You No Can Has Dieffenbachia.

Dear Kitties;

Don't eat the dieffenbachia. Egon, I'm talking to you specifically; I saw you tasting that this morning. Don't eat the the euphorbias, particularly the pencil cactus. Don't eat the adenium obesum, or the ricinus. They will kill you super-dead. You guys don't realize, because you're dumb, but I do so listen. I buy you cat grass every week and store the poisonous plants on high shelves for a reason. You can keep eating the pothos if you like, even though I'm pretty sure pothos causes a burning sensation in the mouth. If that's what floats your boat, go for it. You can even keep eating my beautiful Yucca elephantipes; I won't be mad. But stay away from the Shelf of Doom, you goddamn idiot fatmonkeys.

Sincerely,
The Management.

P.S. Vera, I don't know how you managed to 1) get inside 2) get STUCK inside my 30 gallon terrarium, but you did, and you wrought havoc on my seedlings. Be assured that we will discuss this little incident in our February budget meeting. I'll be removing the damages as "shrinkage" from your toy allowance.

The Greater Good!

Problems happen with our houseplants. You know, it, I know it. This time of year, when we're dealing with issues of humidity, temperature, pests, etc., we have to think about optimizing our conditions, getting creative with our solutions, and cutting our losses. Got any maidenhair ferns? Got central heat? Then I've got news... your fern is as good as dead. Don't freak out! Maybe you can find a cloche or a suitable terrarium. Maybe you can give them away. Or, if you're me, maybe you can throw those fuckers out and find a fern that is more compatible with your indoor habitat. When a threat, sickness, or general weakness is detected, it pays to consider The Greater Good. Here's a few of my current problem plants.

Epipremnum aureum "Marble Queen," suffering shock from change of temperature and light. If you keep pothos outside during the summer, like I do, you can expect to see some leaf shed as they re-adjust to indoor conditions. It's normal. Yellow leaves will not recover and also invite pests; trim them. THE GREATER GOOD!

Phototropism in a N. exaltata "Emina." This results from low light levels or single-direction light. Moving the plant closer to a window or simply rotating the pot every week should solve this problem.

Musa acuminata "Novak." Dead lower growth likely due to cold draught exposure and dry air.

Citrus meyeri suffering from underwatering. Well, not so much "suffering from" as "dead from." I've already thrown them away. THE GREATER GOOD!

Defolation in Adenium obesum due to cold exposure and transplant shock; A. obesums occasionally go dormant in the winter when conditions fluctuate. Don't panic if you lose all your leaves... hold back on the watering and wait for spring.

WHAT IS IT?!

It's our old friend scindapsus pictus. Scindapsus argyraeum is fine too, I think. Ok, now what ISN'T it?

1) It's not philodendron sodiroi, though I have seen it mislabeled as such

2) It isn't philodendron ornatum, I don't know how anyone even got that idea but they did

3) It's not even remotely oreopanax sanderianus, although the Missouri BG tagged it so

4) It it NOT silver philodendron. There are in existence some silvery philodendrons... this ain't one. I don't care what google says.

5) Epipremnum pictum: no no no no no. This name is very often applied to this plant but it is not an epipremnum, mon frere!

6) Satin pothos: it is not an epipremnum, which mean's it isn't a pothos, although a pothos isn't an epipremnum technically. Those goshdarn rascally botanists! 

7) Silk pothos: come on now. 

It is a scindapsus, which from what I can tell means it's just like epipremnum... only not. There is a tiny difference in seed pods. I blame google for the chaos. Roll back, google, you fuckers is dumbern'a post. 

*image courtesy of davesgarden

Update Shmupdate

THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

My rabbit's foot fern (Davallia fejeensis?) is slowly sending out it's first furry little foot. The "foot" is actually a surface rhizome, and the "fur" is actually a covering of hair-like scales.**

Gross! Neat! Moving on.

My new hybrid pothos (Epipremnum aureum "N'joy") is happily occupying the sconce in which my late variegated ivy suffered and died. With low light needs, high dryness tolerance, and ease of propagation, this is an easy new favorite of mine. It roots and grows like it's getting paid. Seriously, go get one, it is worth the high price. Or email me, and I will have cuttings ready and rooted for you in approximately ten minutes.

This staghorn fern (platycerium bifurcatum) just grew two new shield fronds, and it is so beautiful it makes you want to burst into song. Don't hold back... living in the shower, it's very accustomed to cool northern light, warm mist, and bad singing.

These usually grow high up in the crotches of trees. While the arching fronds reach for sun, the flat, circular shield fronds anchor the fern in place. See them?

One of my Asplenium nidus "fimbriatum," which I am calling a "fimbrial birds nest fern" for lack of a better colloquialism, is infected with scale. I hope to crush the insurgence before it spreads any further. No sign of damage yet, but I took this comparison photo of the infected plant (right) next to it's healthy counterpart (left) and I will continue to take photos in the coming weeks. To prevent touching during photographing, which might lead to the spread of infection, I provided a protective barrier. As they say at middle school dances, always leave room for god.

Ha! Kidding. God is no match for scale. If you have a plant that shows signs of a scale infestation, you can either 1) Isolate the plant, treat it, and always be sure to wash your hands after handling, or 2) kill that sucker and burn the body, or 3) give it away on craigslist (for free, of course) and make it someone else's problem. Make sure you specify that the plant is infected with scale. There's no need to be a dick. Cheers!

-NA

** Update: As is turns out, this was not a foot. It was a gross, tiny crosier that exploded into a huge frond. So... uh... yeah! Potting up operation = success.

I Will Straight Up Cut You, Plant

The Nature Assassin guide to water-rooting your own cuttings. For specified indoor tropicals only; no grafting, no rhizome division. This is easy as hell. Plants that will root in water include but are not limited to:

Gynura aurantiaca (purple passion vine)

Tradescantia zebrina (wandering jew, inch plant)

Epipremnum aureum (pothos)

Hedix hedera (English ivy)

*Update: Peperomia

1) Pick your plant. Scindapsus pictus 'argyraeus,' I pikachoose you. This plant goes by many names, including satin pothos and silver philodendron. Whether it is a true philodendron, I don't know... I really doubt it is a true pothos. It looks remarkably similar to philodendron sodiroi, but is apparently not the same thing? Expert advice will hopefully follow. This plant was sick when I bought it and has never been particularly vigorous. Still, even when it was down to just a few sick stems, it wouldn't be killed. So I have managed to coax it slowly towards becoming the full, compact, well-colored plant that it was meant to be. Check out the amazing silver metallic sheen to this plant. It's even better in person... you can see literal glitter.

So we're ready for step...

2) Assemble your team.

3) Assemble your tools. You will need a clean vase filled with room temperature filtered water, a bottle of rooting hormone powder, and finally your cutting. Rooting hormone powder can be obtained cheaply from any garden store including major hardware chains. One bottle will last you forever.

WAIT, WHERE/HOW DO I CUT IT?

Along the stem between two leaves/by merciless shanking. Use a clean knife, not scissors, and definitely not your fingers. Cutting the stem wounds the plant and the cutting, so it should be a sharp, clean cut rather than a messy tear. The cutting should be at least 5 inches long, though others may tell you that 3 inches will suffice. Leave the endmost leaves or terminal buds in place; remove all the other leaves along the stem. Make sure your cutting contains at least one adventitious root; it will look like a very small brownish protruding scab or bump. Without them, your cutting will not produce roots, and will eventually die. Now for step...

4) Dip the cutting in rooting hormone powder. Some people only do this if they are rooting a cutting in soil... I find most of the powder stays on and speeds the rate of root productions in water as well. From my understanding, rooting hormone powder functions like an antibacterial protectant, keeping the wounds and new roots from rotting. Therefore, I dip all of the cut sections in rooting hormone powder, as opposed to just the stem tip.

To prevent contaminating your entire bottle of rooting hormone powder, pour however much you will need into a smaller container and throw it away when you are finished. The cap, by the by, is from Two Hearted Ale by Bell's Brewery. So good or no good? Soooo good.

That's it! You're done! Put it someplace sunny (but not blindingly so; bright indirect light is perfect) and leave them alone. No humidity chamber, no nothing. Just change the water about once a week, more if it takes on a green tinge. If you notice sections of the stem getting soft, dark, or fuzzy, get rid of them; they are rotting. You can keep a few types cuttings in water permanently; I find them much more attractive than vases of blooms.

Newly assembled cuttings should start to make roots after about 2 weeks, depending on the type of plant you are using.

Other cuttings that I have going:

Sanseveria NOID, courtesy of a friend. I believe these will only root in water when a piece of the original root is included.

Neon Pothos (Epipremnum aureum "Neon")

Variegated Hedix hedera NOID- this one has taken a long time to root, but root it has!

Happy cutting!

Bow chicka' bow bow...

Happy spring, my bishes! It's is officially here, and it seems that roughly half of the inhabitants of the household have decided to get busy with the babies. Not the Monsieur or myself, thank you very much. I will casually defenestrate a plant at the first sign of obstinacy, so I shudder to think about what I'd do with a baby. Maybe my plants saw the death strokes that befell the two sickly ferns during the recent repot, and they decided to put on some new growth to please me. This was rather intelligent of them, I think.

Et tu, Nephrolepis?

So here's what we've got. My little tiny Aloe "Dorian Black" now has a pup. "BUT SHE'S SO YOUNG!" I know, I know. I told her the same thing. I can't say I'll be sad to have another one of these, though... I mean look at it! It's stunning, almost completely white.

My Meyer lemon seeds have finally sprouted! Do you see my thrifty invention? I took one of those clear egg cartons and made a little incubator out of it. It's always moist and gets plenty of sun, plus it sits between the window and the radiator, so it never gets chilly. I opened it up for this picture:

The Epipremnum aureum "Marble Queen" immensely enjoyed its repot. I also rooted this winter's cuttings, which are doing fine. It's in a really fast-draining medium of mostly pumice and pine bark fines. Rapidly, it became bushy with new growth.

Here's a better shot of the color. The new leaves are almost completely white, probably because they're getting more sun.

Here's the baby crosiers from my Nephrolepis "Emina." Now in a slightly peat-ier medium.

My teeny-weeny Philodendron "Moonglow" has put on a new leaf after I gave it a much-needed soil change.

The beastly Philo "Black Cardinal" has finally adjusted and is putting out this beautiful new leaf:

Strelitzia Reginae is now completely mealybug-free and putting on tons of new growth after being potted up:

Sansevieria "Bally" has made a baby offshoot:

And as usual the cats are all up on it. We keep telling them that they are both fixed, and will never consummate their love, but do they care? No, they just continue making out on the couch when we have friends over, which is awkward for everyone. 

K thx bai