Dear Friends, All Two of You;

   Thank you so much for reading my plant-killing blog lo these many years. The posts have been sometimes nonstop, other times not at all. Always with my personal blend a little tiny bit of knowledge and wayyyy too much enthusiasm.

I'm so pleased to say that I've completely picked up and moved myself in several ways. First, career wise; I've finally let go of my PhD/med school ambitions succumbed to the world of plants. I'm working happily for a landscaper as a designer-in-training, loving what I do (even when it's shoveling mulch off a flatbed). I even manage to keep the occasional plant alive!

And I've moved literally. I've packed up my precious plants and moved across Chicago to start a teeny tiny urban farm. I live with the other two members of my gardening cadre, The Koumbit Collective. Growing and propagating plants is every bit as wonderful on a large scale as it was on a small one, and I even make a little money doing what I love. To keep up with me and my herbicidal horticultural misadventures, please check out our website and blog, listed below. And come meet me (and my roommates) at farmers markets and plant shows around Chicago this season. Maybe take home some of our plants and produce. It won't kill you (and if you take it away from me, it won't get killed either. Everybody wins).

I won't be updating this blog anymore, but the murderous saga is far from over. Thanks for your support.

-Nature Assassin

www.koumbitcollective.wordpress.com

Aeschynanthus

As you probably have guessed, I kill a lot of plants.

I also SAVE a lot of plants... from myself.

I have met more than one craigslist garden warrior from giving away plants.


But now I'd rather offer it to you, the avid indoor-gardener;

       Would you care to rescue a plant from me, the Nature Assassin?

Currently, all I have is a lipstick plant (aeschynanthus), ; type unknown. Do you like in the Chicago area? Would you like to adopt it?

.... I do this about once a month. My philosophy is, if you don't like it in my apartment, GET OUT. So it is for the aeschynanthus, and so it had been for the 3-4 behind it (I've killed, like 3 'Mona Lisa's.')

Search craigslist Chicago for Lipstick Plant.

I MISSED YOU.

Wait 'till you see some of the plants I'm growing :)

The Murderous Saga Continues

What have I been up to since 2011?

Fall...

Picking zucchini at midnight.

Winter...

Agave parryi

Citrus x meyeri

Sedum morganianum

Ficus quercifolia

There's very little to report for spring and summer. Hardly any pictures, just jotted entries in my plant journals about watering and fertilizing. I filled my vegetable garden with drought-tolerant squashes that will accommodate my neglect. Concerning the alpha plants - meaning the houseplants - I've been so preoccupied that I've mostly focused on taking care of what I already, and keeping the "accidental" deaths to a minimum.

That being said, I bought a brand new Albizia today, and I've already killed that F. quercifolia. I can hardly wait to get another and try again. Insert evil laugh!

More soon.

Pictures From My Shower... tradescandalous!

Of me? Nuh uh, you wish. I don't think you're ready for the proverbial jelly. 

When I shower, I like to feel like I'm in the rainforest, minus the tropical diseases. So I installed an overhead shelf and stocked it with orchids and tropical vines, including Tradescantia flumensis (possibly 'Quicksilver') and Tradescantia zebrina.

Then there's a staghorn fern (platycerium bifurcatum), silver squill (ledebouria spp.) and an aglaeonema (noid). There was a long, luxurious, sessy ponytail of spanish moss (tillandsia uesnoides) hanging from the curtain rod, which brought me joy during every shower. But then I went to the Garfield Conservatory for their awesome plant sale, and quelle surprise! It turns out LIVE spanish moss is a pale foamy green, like mermaid hair. That made me realize that the brown spanish moss in my shower had been dead for, like, months. Months during which I was lovingly patting it, and soaking it in cool water with fertilizer dilutions, and trying not to spritz it with soap or shampoo. My love was really accidental necrophilia. Oh well, live and learn!

Anyhow, welcome to my THIRD post of 2011, mid December. It's been pretty weird. Why wasn't I documenting my summer?!? The whole internet missed my vegetable garden! Isn't it funny how you get busy like that?

Merry Christmas, Motherfuckers

Dear Chicago.

     What is up with this freezing weather? I am tired of my puffy coat. It's May.

Sincerely,

Nature Assassin

UPDATE SCHMUPDATES

1) I entered myself into a lottery for a garden plot at my local park district, Ruby Community Garden. And BAM, son! I got one! I am gonna grow shit so hard. I'm gonna be out there on the daily, digging and hoeing. People will be like "GIRL YOU BESTA QUIT HOEING IT UP." And then I'll say, "NEVER."

2) In this vein, I've got Romas, Super Sweet 100s, Russian Banana taters, strawberries, and zucchini all sprouting.

 I know that these are not houseplants. I'm also sprouting some Albizia just to keep it kosher.

3) Latest project: worm composting! There's a big gnarly worm bin in my kitchen. I used a small drill bit to make about 120 holes in the lid of a plastic storage tub, just like the one I use for sprouting seeds. If the pictures look dark, it's probably because it is dark. In Chicago. Forever.

Anyway, vermicomposting is fabulous, eco-friendly and fun... until you actually see the worms. Then you sort of die a little inside. They led a revolt the other day; a dozen or so climbed up the side of the tub and almost escaped through the seam of the lid. Needless to say, there was some screaming, and I nearly Avada-Kedavra'd them right off the balcony. Repugnant little.... ew. Just ew.

4) The Kombucha War rages on. Every time I get a new Scoby (which stands for symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast), it tries to kill me... mostly by mold contamination, but the last one was more proactive. Photo below of the first tasting, which was gross, but did not kill me. I put the whole brew on top of the fridge and forgot about it... when I finally remembered to check on it, it had swollen up, eaten all the liquid in the jar, and was trying to climb out. Again with the screaming, and this time, I showed no mercy. I channeled my inner Sigourney Weaver, and sent that freak out the airlock.

5) My citrus x meyeri brought aphids into the compound. You know that I do not brick with that shit. Normally I would just throw them all out. But since I've gotten all attached to my citrus trees, I hired some teeny tiny assassins instead.

Sorry for the blurry photos. Those are ladybugs. I'm releasing about a dozen every day into my plant room. Weird? Yes. Extreme? Totally. But you know, there's something about watching those angry little tanks grab an aphid and SUCK IT EMPTY THROUGH ITS FACE that I just find to be really... hmm... satisfying.

So, lesson for the household organisms: don't mess with me, or I will kill you. Possibly with fire. Or pestilence. Now and then, a melee weapon.

More soon.

Bam!

Sorry for the long delay, y'all! Here we go.


I love to germinate seeds. This spring, as usual, I'll give away asstons of seedlings. I'm going to germinate way more plants than I could ever reasonably use, just for funsies. The seed catalogs are pouring in, and I'm already in love. Moon and Stars Watermelon has got me waiting by the phone, crying, pining away. Anyway, growing tender seedlings indoors, with two cats around, can be somewhat... complex.

Dear cat. You're in my terrarium, crushin' my pachira, with your fat truck ass. What gives. Sincerely, your Overlord.

Everything has to be critter-proofed this year. I put a giant metal shelving unit right next to the heat radiator, figuring that the heat would speed up the germination process. Next, I needed a tough airtight container, like a seed incubator, but those things are wicked expensive. I've tried the soft plastic-covered trays that you might get from a home improvement center... unfortunately, Jiffy brand did not center their product design around domestic critter-attack. I was totally at a loss, until a smart friend said to me, "What about those plastic storage tubs, like they have at Target?"

BAM!

 It looks a little jacked up, but it works just fine. The upper shelf contains my smaller tropical plants, enclosed in plastic. The front panel pops out so I can water and refill the humidifier. The second shelf is my seed incubators. The first seeds to go in were Dyckia 'Brittle Star,' provided by Turtlewalker at the fabulous blog Succulent Bromeliads and Others (thanks again!). Preparing Dyckia seeds for germination is a tricky process involving sugar, bleach, and prayer. Once prepped, I popped them in peat pellets and...

BAM!

Isn't it cute?!? And it took no time whatsoever... maybe two weeks. More updates to follow.

BRING OUT YER DEAD

So, this is my latest casualty list, Scottish-style. I guess I'm feeling a little gaelic. Like the black plague sweeping through the highlands in the 1300s and 1600s, I have swept through my indoor garden, leaving death in my wake. Seriously, look at how long this list is.


Abutilon striatum 'Thompsonii' - Ah fergot to water et!

Alocasia infermalis 'Kapit' - Ah fergot to water that, too!

Araucaria heterophylla

Adantium pedantum - good riddance, ye misbegotten bastard of a fern!

Breynia nirvosa 'nana' - poor wee little bonsai.

Citrus x meyeri (Meyer lemon) seedlings

Citrus hystrix (Makrut lime) - It's DEED, DEED and a doornail.

Codiaeum 'Picasso's Paintbrush' - AHM STILL GLAD YER DEED, YE NEEP-HEIDED 

ARSEFACE!

Coprosma noid, possibly 'Evening Glow'

Grevillea robusta

Juncus spiralis 'Variegata'

Mandevilla splendens - To hell with ye, ye great barmy vine.

Nematanthus wettsteinii 'Variegated'

Neoregelia 'Kimberly'

Nephrolepis exaltata 'Emina'

Passiflora noid

Podocarpus 'Bird's Tongue'

Sansevieria rorida - Ah'll never ferget you. Ah'll play a doleful tune, on me pipes, o'er yer grave.

Sedum spp. cuttings - FECK YOU, APHIDS

Tillandsia (various)

Yucca elephantipes

Now, keep in mind that this group has been accumulating for several months. It's not as though one weekend I just went on a massive killing spree. And I did manage to re-home several other plants on craigslist before they contracted a fatal case of kitten, otherwise this list would be longer. But you have to admit, it's still a pretty impressive death toll. I'm that monster in the scary story that plants tell their plantlets, to keep them in line. Hopefully some experiential knowledge was gained from all this, hopefully these failures have taught me more about success.

Hopefully.

Euphorbia Yum Yums

Being in need of flowers and a project, I thought I'd try my hand at oversummering cyclamen tubers. Unfortunately, when I went out in search of a specimen/victim, none of the cyclamens I encountered really called out to me. I was looking for something small, simple, and pretty, and all I could find were giant fluffy freaks that were all bedazzled to hell. And yet, on my way out the door.... 

Euphorbia pulcherrima NOID, a.k.a. poinsettia

What?! Dude, I don't even like poinsettias. At least, I thought I didn't. But something about this particular coloration was just so goddamn festive. I looked at it, and suddenly I was tasting candycanes and hearing Bing Crosby music and feeling all warm-towards-humanity and stuff. It called to me. And as I was arguing with myself about dropping hard-earned kizzash on some disposable holiday bullshit, a counter-argument surfaced. It is possible... kind of... to oversummer poinsettias. And if there's one thing I enjoy, it's an irritating botanical project with little chance of success. So, I was sold.

Out the door I went, with a big stupid Christmasy smile on my face. And then suddenly...

Day-yumn! Look at that awesomeness. It's Euphorbia trigona 'Red,' my poinsettia's nasty cousin from down south. Euphoriba trigona can get pretty big, and the idea that I could eventually have a giant RED one in my apartment made me quite pleased. 

It does have this weird little blister on one of the stalks. I don't know what that is... I'm half expecting a small, phallic baby alien to burst out of there. More likely is it will rupture and just become scar, which would be no biggie. We'll see.

So that's all for now. Coming soon, I kill a bunch of plants, and brew some Kombucha. And possibly die from drinking homemade Kombucha. I guess if the posts stop altogether, you'll know why. Send someone over to water my plants.

Parting Gift: I try to base my plant-shopping etiquette on this clip. Robbed from the film "The Room," which was robbed of the Oscar for Best Picture.

Doin it, and Doin it, and Doin it right.

www.marriedtothesea.com

Whoopsie Doodles, and Other Projects

Hey y'all, remember that Homalomena that I just rescued from certain death?

MUAH HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Damn, I'm good! Now come up to the lab, and see what's on the slab.

Agave parryi is back inside, beginning the adjustment to winter quarters. This is my first experiment with tender perennials. Will it survive? We'll see. Is the cat tail more a photobomb or a derp?

Dieffenbachia (noid) had to be rebooted. I don't know what went wrong... maybe it was a watering problem, because all the leaves went chlorotic. In any case, this is still an open project... after being cut back to square one, new leaves are sprouting nicely!

Amaryllis hippeastrum 'Sydney.' Man, I really should put a cute soil cover on that to hide the plastic. By the way, if you want to have an Amaryllis bloom in time for Christmas, you need to get started... well, a couple of weeks ago actually. But there's no harm in starting now! You may get a bloom in time for the holidays, and if you don't, think of it this way: won't you be needing a little botanical cheer in your life come January, when the christmas lights are all down, and there are no flowers to be had until spring? With this in mind, I'm staggering a few bulbs for continuous bloom. Including...

Narcissus tazetta (paperwhite); an oldie but a goodie. DANG I need to get some soil covers going on. Maybe I'll buy some of that heinous neon-green dyed moss.

And finally, a mixed grouping of sedum cuttings, plus some sempervivums and one opuntia. Don't ask me why I keep growing different opuntias, because I don't know. "Opuntia: A Genus of Assholes." Anyway, I'm hoping to have them all rooted in time for spring container planting! 

Parting Gift: That Homalomena was such a Momma's Boy.

Botanical Magic

Like John Fortune in China, like John Tradescant in Russia, I will gladly cross faraway lands in search of plants. Last week, I went on just such a mission. At Grand Street Gardens, I obtained several cute Peperomias and an Auracaria araucana (a.k.a. Monkey Puzzle Tree). Emboldened by success, I threw caution to the wind and ventured south from my kingdom, into that lawless wasteland, The South Suburbs. 

Forging through an ocean of K-Marts, subsisting only on Portillos, I finally arrived at my destination: the Black Gates of Ted's Greenhouse. It is appropriate that this unholy garden center be located in Tinley Park, for Tinley Park is a godless and inhospitable backcountry, providing the perfect protection for Ted and his minions. Yes, I have returned from this journey with plants, and with the truth of the matter: Ted is guilty of witchcraft most foul.

Ficus rubiginosa 'Variegata' 

"Alright, what are you talking about," you ask. I will tell you. They are just too good. Their level of expertise may be partially explained by green thumbs and horticultural degrees, but at least part of it has got to be Black Mass. Not only does this greenhouse grow FOUR kinds of passionflowers, including a PINK one, but they have got fruit. FRUIT! Upon this observation, I basically ran around until I found an employee, and made him look too just to be sure I wasn't crazy. No, he explained, those dozens of juicy, perfect orange spheres really were passion fruit. But, he continued, they are empty fruits because we don't have the correct pollinators in this area. He grabbed one off the vine and opened it for me to see... it was totally hollow. That's when I really began to suspect that Satan was involved. 

Agave NOID.

I saw many other plants which confirmed this suspicion. They have got variegated things there that... well... just SHOULDN'T be variegated. Their cactus and succulent department has shelves marked "Not For Sale," and the plants on those shelves are CLEARLY the product of the Dark Arts. 

Pachypodium lamerei. 

Obviously I could not resist the pink passionflower, ficus, or pachypodium. I also brought home a really amazing lithops, a stapelia hirsuta, some hard-to-find abutilons, and a gorgeous grevillea robusta. Another employee told me a wonderful story about the days when grevilleas were a popular holiday plant. Before poinsettias were improved to their modern state, grevilleas were used to fill the middle of circular plantings of poinsettias to obscure their legginess. Nice try, guys. You may have sold holiday poinsettias, but I think at this point we all know that you were acutally celebrating WIZARD SABBATH.

I'm lucky I escaped with my soul... and all these awesome plants. 

Parting Gift: A little Deathklok, in honor of all things evil. I suggest you crank it.

Oh Nomena, Homalomena!

Only because it was exotic and cute, I purchased a Homalomena (wallisii, possibly 'Camouflage') from Helm's Deepot. Literature on this houseplant was pretty scant, but I should have known better than to let it dry out, since I had just read exactly that advice via Mr. Subjunctive. But what can I say... when it comes to screwing up plants, I have a very special gift. So, after only a couple days in my house, the poor Homalomena was ready to give up the ghost. 

The first emergency care step was to rehydrate the soil and shower the leaves in the sink.

Then I employed a humidity bag. This is a really useful trick whenever your plants are suffering from dry air, are recovering from spider mites, or recently wilted from underwatering. Any clear, roomy plastic bag will work. Make sure you let your pot drain thoroughly before you bag it, to protect against drowning and rot. For example, I use a rubber band to affix the bag to the sides of the pot, so the drainage holes are still uncovered and breathing free. I also inflate the bag before I seal it up, so that the leaves aren't laying against moist plastic. Who knows... the plants may appreciate the carbon dioxide as well.

And look: by morning light, satisfactory bounce-back! The humidity-bag treatment has a certain window of efficacy; given too much time without water, and there is no possibility of recovery. I have tried to revive many a wilted Abutilon with a humidity bag, without success. And as you can see, a couple of the lower leaves on the homalomena died (they will have to be removed). But all in all, a successful crisis intervention.

Parting Gift: My Homalomena is named Cindi Mayweather

A Halloween Photo Essay

Part One: In Which Nature Assassin goes to some Interesting Parties.

Part Two: In Which I Stumble Home, Eat Candy, and Collect Seeds.

Happy Halloween Everybody!

Snack time

So, what's in the fridge?

Collected seeds* in the vegetable drawer... any vegetables whatsoever?

If you go hunting in the freezer, watch out for the container of flies. Sarracenias gotta eat too.

Parting Gift:  If you're still hungry, here's some tasty music.

*Holler if you're interested in trading. 

I've got mainly annuals and perennials, some houseplant varieties.