Q+A

Let me solve some commonly asked houseplant questions.

Q: Falling leaves, bare stems, no flowers... what's wrong with my goldfish plant (Nematanthus gregarius)?

A: The problem with your goldfish plant is that it is a goldfish plant. This problem can easily be resolved by never owning another goldfish plant.

Q: Why does my corn plant (Dracaena massangea) have brown tips?

A: Because you're using plain tap water instead of filtered/distilled water. Flush the soil to purge excess salts, and don't give it any more tap water.

RIP D. massangea

Q: I just bought a mother fern (Asplenium bulbiferum). Does it have any special care requirements?

A: Caring for your mother fern is easy. First, take your mother fern to the garbage. Then, throw it away. This treatment has a high test-retest reliability; it works every time.

RIP A. Bulbiferum

Q: Why do my cuttings keep failing?

A: The three most likely culprits are low humidity, low bottom heat, or unsterile media.

Q: My hoya has never been lush. It is sparse and ugly near the top of the pot, and it bothers me. What can I do?

A: The secret trick with hoyas is beer. The brand is irrelevant, so choose what you like. Secure a very large quantity; around 100 beers should do. Judiciously apply the beer to yourself, and you will find that you are no longer bothered by your ugly-ass hoya. This procedure can be repeated as necessary with ugly-ass hoyas.

Q: There's a moth orchid (Phalaenopsis) on the receptionist's desk at my salon/spa/gallery/doctor's office. It's not flowering anymore, and it seems soft and limp. What's wrong?

A: Overwatering. In such settings, decorative orchids tend to get watered too frequently and by too many people. It was probably planted in a dense or "slow" medium when it was purchased, meaning it has poor drainage. Excess water plus poor drainage equals overwatering and root rot, hence the soft leaves. Throw it away and buy a new one... this time give it better light and less water. Also, if you get your orchid from a reputable greenhouse instead of a big chain store, chances are good that it will be planted in a quality medium.

Q: My ivy (Hedera helix) looks a little crispy, and the leaves keep falling...

A: Spider mites.

Q: Really? Couldn't it be a watering problem?

A: It could be, but it's not. It's spider mites.

Q: But I don't see anything tha-

A: SPIDER. MITES.

RIP H. helix NOID

10 Plants for 2010

10 New Plants to ring in the New Year! Here I will present 5... the next 5 to come in a following post.


1) Abutilon striatum 'Thompsonii' (aka A. pictum 'Thompsonii'). This is an orange-flowering variety of Abutilon, the Parlor Maple, with beautiful foliage as an added bonus. The variegation in the leaves is apparently caused by a virus, which is purposefully maintained through propagation. Fast growth, the ability to survive low humidity levels, and tolerance of a variety of light/temperature situations makes Abutilon a popular plant for indoor culture. I'll guess I'll find out soon enough if it deserves its popularity. Being a beautiful, rampant, ass-kicking grower of a plant and also victim of strange science, I have decided to dub my Abutilon "River Tam."


2) Calathea insignis (aka C. lancifolia), the Rattlesnake plant. Calatheas are tricky due to their incredible humidity requirements. It may be wishful to believe that I can make this plant survive a heated indoor winter, but try I must. I fell in love with this type of Calathea for its patterned leaves and deep burgundy leaf-undersides at the Garfield Conservatory (see this post). I was therefore delighted and surprised to find it at for sale at Rolling Ridge Nursery in Webster Groves, Missouri. Its only natural that this plant would be rare on store shelves, because it isn't well suited to anything but greenhouse life. It needs high heat, but detests hot draughts. It needs fresh air, but detests cold draughts. It needs high light, but detests direct sun. It needs lots of water and humidity, but detests overly wet roots. So, quite reasonably, I am enjoying owning this plant even though visions of plant murder dance in my head. As Dexter would say, "Do I see plastic sheets in your future?"




3) Senecio macroglossus 'Variegatus,' the Wax Ivy (or Cape Ivy) plant. Looks just like some kind of Hedera, doesn't it? But what ho! A squish-squish of the leaves between your fingers reveals that they are thick and succulent. This feature makes Senecio an excellent winter alternative to traditional ivies, or as I like to call them, "Old Country Spidermite Buffet." Senecio can tolerate shade or direct sun, medium or high humidity, and normal to cool room temperatures in winter. This plant, as well as the following plant and the Abutilon, were purchased from the incredibly sexy Bowood Farms in St. Louis.*



4) x Fatshedera lizei 'Aureamaculata." This plant has several goofy common names, my favorites being "Botanical Wonder" and "Fat-headed Lizzy." As the "x" in the name implies, this plant is a cultivated cross that combines the best features of its parents, Hedera (common Ivy) and Fatsia (Castor-oil plant). By all accounts, Fatshedera is a simple foliage plant, valued for its tolerance of poor growing conditions. Simple though it may be, the foliage of 'Aureamaculata' is anything but dull; in fact the variegation is transparent enough that it seems to glow from within. I find it very visually arresting.


5) And speaking of arresting, call the Boring Plant Police! Lithops optica 'Rubra' is running amok! That is sarcasm - this plant does nothing whatsoever. Lithops, or Living Stones plant, wants nothing in life but to be left alone... they can spend 20 years just hanging out before they will even fill a six inch pot, or so I've been told. My interest in this plant was piqued for the very first time when I saw this variety, 'Rubra,' at the much-touted Ted's Greenhouse in Tinley Park, Illinois. The beautiful wine-red color was unlike anything I'd ever seen in a succulent. They were being propagated and were not actually for sale, but being the freak that I am, I demanded that somebody sell me some. A gracious employee finally conceded two specimens for a hefty price, and I carried them home like precious jewels.



*I'm pretty sure, at this point, that Missouri has the best collection of commercial greenhouses in the Midwest. Especially when one considers my favorite, Ahner's Garden and Gifts.