In Memoriam II: Letters

Dear Chelianthes tomentosas;

Is it ironic that I thought, "If I use a different potting medium for each one, one should be guaranteed to live?" Or is it ironic that my boyfriend named you both after death metal bands, and now you're both dead?

Dear Colocasia "Black Magic;"

"Magic" my ass. Why don't you summon some magic and learn to water yourself? Avada Kedavra, bitch!

Dear Nematanthus gregarious;

Here's my impression of you. "Too hot," "Too dry," "Too dark," "Too bright," "I'm hungry," "I don't like this fertilizer," "I made a mess all over the floor." Here's my impression of me: "I am going to kill this fucking nematanthus right now."

Dear Asplenium nidus "Fimbriatum;"

I regret to inform you that your request for more time to deal with your scale problem has been denied.

Dear Arachniodes simplicior;

It's hard for me to say this... but it was me, not you. You were so beautiful, and I treated you badly. I'm sorry I never told you about the other East Indian holly ferns... I thought this time would be different. Rest in peace, and take comfort in the fact that even though I'm going to replace you with a younger, better specimen, you were really special.

Sincerely,

-Nature Assassin

In Memoriam

As a practicing nature assassin, I try not to get too emotionally involved with my targets. However, I feel it is only fair that I commemorate some of those houseplants that put up bold struggles before hitting the landfill. To the friends and families of these specimens I offer my condolences... believe me when I say that I am trying to quit. I just can't help that I'm good at what I do.

The following plants were excommunicated, and hopefully are living well with their new craigslist families.

Variety and Sin:

Philodendron "Xanadu" - scale insects

Ficus elastica - scale insects

Dracaena Warneckii - extreme deliciousness towards felines

Cycas revoluta - too angsty

Crassula Ovata - too vain

Successful Assassinations of 2008:

Variety and Cause of Death

Hedera helix variegata - spider mites

Rosemarinus officinalus - suicide

Ficus microcarpa "Green Island" - cat attack

RIP

Successful Assassinations of 2009 (so far):

Asplenium nidus "Osaka" - fungus gnats

Arachnoides simplicior - thirst

Chamaedorea elegans - cat attack

Neprolepsis exaltata "Suzi Wong" - root rot

Cupressus macrocarpa "Wilma" - shame

Congratulations to my Norfolk Island Pine, who is now the longest surviving member of the team! Keep up the good work, Araucaria heterophylla, and you just might be spared from next week's scheduled abusive overfertilizing!