The Murderous Saga Continues

What have I been up to since 2011?

Fall...

Picking zucchini at midnight.

Winter...

Agave parryi

Citrus x meyeri

Sedum morganianum

Ficus quercifolia

There's very little to report for spring and summer. Hardly any pictures, just jotted entries in my plant journals about watering and fertilizing. I filled my vegetable garden with drought-tolerant squashes that will accommodate my neglect. Concerning the alpha plants - meaning the houseplants - I've been so preoccupied that I've mostly focused on taking care of what I already, and keeping the "accidental" deaths to a minimum.

That being said, I bought a brand new Albizia today, and I've already killed that F. quercifolia. I can hardly wait to get another and try again. Insert evil laugh!

More soon.

Merry Christmas, Motherfuckers

Dear Chicago.

     What is up with this freezing weather? I am tired of my puffy coat. It's May.

Sincerely,

Nature Assassin

UPDATE SCHMUPDATES

1) I entered myself into a lottery for a garden plot at my local park district, Ruby Community Garden. And BAM, son! I got one! I am gonna grow shit so hard. I'm gonna be out there on the daily, digging and hoeing. People will be like "GIRL YOU BESTA QUIT HOEING IT UP." And then I'll say, "NEVER."

2) In this vein, I've got Romas, Super Sweet 100s, Russian Banana taters, strawberries, and zucchini all sprouting.

 I know that these are not houseplants. I'm also sprouting some Albizia just to keep it kosher.

3) Latest project: worm composting! There's a big gnarly worm bin in my kitchen. I used a small drill bit to make about 120 holes in the lid of a plastic storage tub, just like the one I use for sprouting seeds. If the pictures look dark, it's probably because it is dark. In Chicago. Forever.

Anyway, vermicomposting is fabulous, eco-friendly and fun... until you actually see the worms. Then you sort of die a little inside. They led a revolt the other day; a dozen or so climbed up the side of the tub and almost escaped through the seam of the lid. Needless to say, there was some screaming, and I nearly Avada-Kedavra'd them right off the balcony. Repugnant little.... ew. Just ew.

4) The Kombucha War rages on. Every time I get a new Scoby (which stands for symbiotic colony of bacteria and yeast), it tries to kill me... mostly by mold contamination, but the last one was more proactive. Photo below of the first tasting, which was gross, but did not kill me. I put the whole brew on top of the fridge and forgot about it... when I finally remembered to check on it, it had swollen up, eaten all the liquid in the jar, and was trying to climb out. Again with the screaming, and this time, I showed no mercy. I channeled my inner Sigourney Weaver, and sent that freak out the airlock.

5) My citrus x meyeri brought aphids into the compound. You know that I do not brick with that shit. Normally I would just throw them all out. But since I've gotten all attached to my citrus trees, I hired some teeny tiny assassins instead.

Sorry for the blurry photos. Those are ladybugs. I'm releasing about a dozen every day into my plant room. Weird? Yes. Extreme? Totally. But you know, there's something about watching those angry little tanks grab an aphid and SUCK IT EMPTY THROUGH ITS FACE that I just find to be really... hmm... satisfying.

So, lesson for the household organisms: don't mess with me, or I will kill you. Possibly with fire. Or pestilence. Now and then, a melee weapon.

More soon.

The Greater Good!

Problems happen with our houseplants. You know, it, I know it. This time of year, when we're dealing with issues of humidity, temperature, pests, etc., we have to think about optimizing our conditions, getting creative with our solutions, and cutting our losses. Got any maidenhair ferns? Got central heat? Then I've got news... your fern is as good as dead. Don't freak out! Maybe you can find a cloche or a suitable terrarium. Maybe you can give them away. Or, if you're me, maybe you can throw those fuckers out and find a fern that is more compatible with your indoor habitat. When a threat, sickness, or general weakness is detected, it pays to consider The Greater Good. Here's a few of my current problem plants.

Epipremnum aureum "Marble Queen," suffering shock from change of temperature and light. If you keep pothos outside during the summer, like I do, you can expect to see some leaf shed as they re-adjust to indoor conditions. It's normal. Yellow leaves will not recover and also invite pests; trim them. THE GREATER GOOD!

Phototropism in a N. exaltata "Emina." This results from low light levels or single-direction light. Moving the plant closer to a window or simply rotating the pot every week should solve this problem.

Musa acuminata "Novak." Dead lower growth likely due to cold draught exposure and dry air.

Citrus meyeri suffering from underwatering. Well, not so much "suffering from" as "dead from." I've already thrown them away. THE GREATER GOOD!

Defolation in Adenium obesum due to cold exposure and transplant shock; A. obesums occasionally go dormant in the winter when conditions fluctuate. Don't panic if you lose all your leaves... hold back on the watering and wait for spring.

Bow chicka' bow bow...

Happy spring, my bishes! It's is officially here, and it seems that roughly half of the inhabitants of the household have decided to get busy with the babies. Not the Monsieur or myself, thank you very much. I will casually defenestrate a plant at the first sign of obstinacy, so I shudder to think about what I'd do with a baby. Maybe my plants saw the death strokes that befell the two sickly ferns during the recent repot, and they decided to put on some new growth to please me. This was rather intelligent of them, I think.

Et tu, Nephrolepis?

So here's what we've got. My little tiny Aloe "Dorian Black" now has a pup. "BUT SHE'S SO YOUNG!" I know, I know. I told her the same thing. I can't say I'll be sad to have another one of these, though... I mean look at it! It's stunning, almost completely white.

My Meyer lemon seeds have finally sprouted! Do you see my thrifty invention? I took one of those clear egg cartons and made a little incubator out of it. It's always moist and gets plenty of sun, plus it sits between the window and the radiator, so it never gets chilly. I opened it up for this picture:

The Epipremnum aureum "Marble Queen" immensely enjoyed its repot. I also rooted this winter's cuttings, which are doing fine. It's in a really fast-draining medium of mostly pumice and pine bark fines. Rapidly, it became bushy with new growth.

Here's a better shot of the color. The new leaves are almost completely white, probably because they're getting more sun.

Here's the baby crosiers from my Nephrolepis "Emina." Now in a slightly peat-ier medium.

My teeny-weeny Philodendron "Moonglow" has put on a new leaf after I gave it a much-needed soil change.

The beastly Philo "Black Cardinal" has finally adjusted and is putting out this beautiful new leaf:

Strelitzia Reginae is now completely mealybug-free and putting on tons of new growth after being potted up:

Sansevieria "Bally" has made a baby offshoot:

And as usual the cats are all up on it. We keep telling them that they are both fixed, and will never consummate their love, but do they care? No, they just continue making out on the couch when we have friends over, which is awkward for everyone. 

K thx bai

Nancy Drew and the case of the Meyer lemon

Never have I encountered such a mystery as finding the proper procedure for growing Meyer lemons from seed.  Two friends and I recently undertook this sowing project, and after two weeks the results have only flummoxed me further. Here's a little documentation.

Clue number one: The Meyer lemon, a citrus clouded in obscurity. Though elusive, you can sometimes find them at specialty grocery stores. Like so much modern-day produce, most lemons will not "come true" from seed, nor would they be suitable for indoor culture. Meyers are an exception. These little guys will (as the rumors have it) grow happily in bright indoor light and fruit after about four years. The fruits are a golden, buttery yellow and slightly smaller and rounder than the grocery store variety. Presumably this is because Meyer lemons are (allegedly) a cross between regular lemons and tangerines... who can say for sure? I would buy this, because the flesh of the Meyer lemon is incredibly sweet and delicious, great for cooking and garnishing. My manfriend and I even ate a couple of them like oranges, sprinkling on just a bit of demerara sugar. Reserve the seeds. 

Myself, I tried a couple of different things with the seeds because I found so much conflicting information on sowing citrus. Some seeds I simply rinsed and planted straight from the fruit. Others I scored gently with a sharp knife. I removed the outer shell from a couple others. Finally, I soaked a few in moist paper towels for several days before sowing. We'll see what combination works.

Clue two: the deceptive Peat Pellet. You can usually buy these by the bagful from your local garden store. They are small compressed pellets of peat (duh) encased in a mesh bag, with a hole on one side. When dry, as several people have mentioned to me, they look like little cookies, but do not be fooled. Soak them in lukewarm filtered water and they will reveal themselves to be 2-inch long plugs of rich-smelling dirt. You should easily be able to find the hole in the pellet. From there, simply pop the seed in, and cover it with a bit of peat using your finger. Opinions seem to vary (oye) on how deeply Meyer lemon seeds prefer to be planted. 

From there on, place them in a clear container of some kind with a lid. If you notice the pellets seem dry after a few days, give them a little spritz. I am trying ziplock bags, clear tupperware, and glass jars to see what will coax out the little bastards. I'm also placing them in different spots around my apartment to see if they prefer high or low light. In any event, most people agree that warmth will speed germination, though some people seem to think they prefer a chilling period in the fridge (it's like finding a primary resource on the mating habits of unicorns, I swear). Here's my whole operation mid-process, with my gardening partner acting as supervisor. 

Each jar was later meticulously labeled, so I know what is what. The final question is, when will they sprout? And the answer is.... wait for it.... no one can say. I have a book on growing indoor plants from seed that says Meyer lemon seeds sprout in about 2 weeks. However, a very kind and sage GardenWebber advised that I not hold my breath for this deadline, and just leave the seeds alone (I peeked at a couple of them this week and probably destroyed the whole process). 

So I'll bide my time. With any luck, my little soggy brown cookies will one day look like this (image from Dave's Garden). For now, I'll keep Grissoming along.