Q+A

Let me solve some commonly asked houseplant questions.

Q: Falling leaves, bare stems, no flowers... what's wrong with my goldfish plant (Nematanthus gregarius)?

A: The problem with your goldfish plant is that it is a goldfish plant. This problem can easily be resolved by never owning another goldfish plant.

Q: Why does my corn plant (Dracaena massangea) have brown tips?

A: Because you're using plain tap water instead of filtered/distilled water. Flush the soil to purge excess salts, and don't give it any more tap water.

RIP D. massangea

Q: I just bought a mother fern (Asplenium bulbiferum). Does it have any special care requirements?

A: Caring for your mother fern is easy. First, take your mother fern to the garbage. Then, throw it away. This treatment has a high test-retest reliability; it works every time.

RIP A. Bulbiferum

Q: Why do my cuttings keep failing?

A: The three most likely culprits are low humidity, low bottom heat, or unsterile media.

Q: My hoya has never been lush. It is sparse and ugly near the top of the pot, and it bothers me. What can I do?

A: The secret trick with hoyas is beer. The brand is irrelevant, so choose what you like. Secure a very large quantity; around 100 beers should do. Judiciously apply the beer to yourself, and you will find that you are no longer bothered by your ugly-ass hoya. This procedure can be repeated as necessary with ugly-ass hoyas.

Q: There's a moth orchid (Phalaenopsis) on the receptionist's desk at my salon/spa/gallery/doctor's office. It's not flowering anymore, and it seems soft and limp. What's wrong?

A: Overwatering. In such settings, decorative orchids tend to get watered too frequently and by too many people. It was probably planted in a dense or "slow" medium when it was purchased, meaning it has poor drainage. Excess water plus poor drainage equals overwatering and root rot, hence the soft leaves. Throw it away and buy a new one... this time give it better light and less water. Also, if you get your orchid from a reputable greenhouse instead of a big chain store, chances are good that it will be planted in a quality medium.

Q: My ivy (Hedera helix) looks a little crispy, and the leaves keep falling...

A: Spider mites.

Q: Really? Couldn't it be a watering problem?

A: It could be, but it's not. It's spider mites.

Q: But I don't see anything tha-

A: SPIDER. MITES.

RIP H. helix NOID

In Memoriam II: Letters

Dear Chelianthes tomentosas;

Is it ironic that I thought, "If I use a different potting medium for each one, one should be guaranteed to live?" Or is it ironic that my boyfriend named you both after death metal bands, and now you're both dead?

Dear Colocasia "Black Magic;"

"Magic" my ass. Why don't you summon some magic and learn to water yourself? Avada Kedavra, bitch!

Dear Nematanthus gregarious;

Here's my impression of you. "Too hot," "Too dry," "Too dark," "Too bright," "I'm hungry," "I don't like this fertilizer," "I made a mess all over the floor." Here's my impression of me: "I am going to kill this fucking nematanthus right now."

Dear Asplenium nidus "Fimbriatum;"

I regret to inform you that your request for more time to deal with your scale problem has been denied.

Dear Arachniodes simplicior;

It's hard for me to say this... but it was me, not you. You were so beautiful, and I treated you badly. I'm sorry I never told you about the other East Indian holly ferns... I thought this time would be different. Rest in peace, and take comfort in the fact that even though I'm going to replace you with a younger, better specimen, you were really special.

Sincerely,

-Nature Assassin

Bulldog Assassin

Can I have this dog? Can I can I can I? I know I approach plants, pets, and even children from a somewhat clinically inquisitive perspective... I'm much more of an observer and researcher than caretaker. I kill a lot of plants just by trying different things out, and my cats need about as much snuggling as a lizard, which is the way I like it.

But I really, really want this dog. His name is Benny, and I came across his profile on Petfinder.com quite by accident. I know he's ancient, and in a year he'll probably need his fat ass dragged everywhere in a radio-flyer because his skeleton is jacked up... but I don't care. Somebody needs to adopt this hideous cur and indulge his every whim. Look at him run! He can't even see where he's going! He should be named Seabiscuit, because lil' fuggo is wicked fast and obviously has a heart of gold.

Anyway, back at the Umbrella Corporation a.k.a. ma crib, the evil experiments continue. No pictures today, terribly sorry. My A. nidus "Fimbriatum," which was recently discussed, has been "retired" replicant-style because the scale infestation was too aggressive to control. I'm upset about that. In happier news, the Meyer lemon seedlings outgrew their first pots (aww, they grow up so fast) and are now living in larger quarters, and outside.

Also, my Aloe Parvula "Jacobsonii" pup finally got big enough to be separated from the parent plant, and it's doing very well.

Finally, my amazing Camouflage Plant (Ledebouria socialis) is fuller than ever, and just produced its first flower spike. This bizarre and awesome plant was purchased from Ted's Greenhouse at their booth at the Navy Pier Flower and Garden show in March.

Update Shmupdate

THIS IS WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

My rabbit's foot fern (Davallia fejeensis?) is slowly sending out it's first furry little foot. The "foot" is actually a surface rhizome, and the "fur" is actually a covering of hair-like scales.**

Gross! Neat! Moving on.

My new hybrid pothos (Epipremnum aureum "N'joy") is happily occupying the sconce in which my late variegated ivy suffered and died. With low light needs, high dryness tolerance, and ease of propagation, this is an easy new favorite of mine. It roots and grows like it's getting paid. Seriously, go get one, it is worth the high price. Or email me, and I will have cuttings ready and rooted for you in approximately ten minutes.

This staghorn fern (platycerium bifurcatum) just grew two new shield fronds, and it is so beautiful it makes you want to burst into song. Don't hold back... living in the shower, it's very accustomed to cool northern light, warm mist, and bad singing.

These usually grow high up in the crotches of trees. While the arching fronds reach for sun, the flat, circular shield fronds anchor the fern in place. See them?

One of my Asplenium nidus "fimbriatum," which I am calling a "fimbrial birds nest fern" for lack of a better colloquialism, is infected with scale. I hope to crush the insurgence before it spreads any further. No sign of damage yet, but I took this comparison photo of the infected plant (right) next to it's healthy counterpart (left) and I will continue to take photos in the coming weeks. To prevent touching during photographing, which might lead to the spread of infection, I provided a protective barrier. As they say at middle school dances, always leave room for god.

Ha! Kidding. God is no match for scale. If you have a plant that shows signs of a scale infestation, you can either 1) Isolate the plant, treat it, and always be sure to wash your hands after handling, or 2) kill that sucker and burn the body, or 3) give it away on craigslist (for free, of course) and make it someone else's problem. Make sure you specify that the plant is infected with scale. There's no need to be a dick. Cheers!

-NA

** Update: As is turns out, this was not a foot. It was a gross, tiny crosier that exploded into a huge frond. So... uh... yeah! Potting up operation = success.

Full Scale Attack

Scale insects. First you see one, then two, and then the picnic's ruined. Yes, these bitches are the Knights of Byzantium of a Nature Slayer's world. I've tried washing, scrubbing, picking, and poisoning scale insects, but in the end they always win. The have a guerrilla strategy wherein they breed in mass numbers and hide in plain sight, tiny and unnoticeable. Then overnight they develop into terrifying, fully armored monstrosities.

hemiptera diaspididae: a common household pest*

Just this morning, I surrendered two precious territories to the scale invasion. Both will be missed, as both of these were ferns that moved here with me from St. Louis. This leaves only six of the old plant crew, which used to roll about thirty deep. First the scale took my last Asplenium Nidus "Osaka," which was the oldest and loveliest of all. Then they took my Nephrolepis Exaltata "Tiger," which really pissed me off.

This is your fern:

This is your fern with scale:

Any questions?

*image in the public domain

In Memoriam

As a practicing nature assassin, I try not to get too emotionally involved with my targets. However, I feel it is only fair that I commemorate some of those houseplants that put up bold struggles before hitting the landfill. To the friends and families of these specimens I offer my condolences... believe me when I say that I am trying to quit. I just can't help that I'm good at what I do.

The following plants were excommunicated, and hopefully are living well with their new craigslist families.

Variety and Sin:

Philodendron "Xanadu" - scale insects

Ficus elastica - scale insects

Dracaena Warneckii - extreme deliciousness towards felines

Cycas revoluta - too angsty

Crassula Ovata - too vain

Successful Assassinations of 2008:

Variety and Cause of Death

Hedera helix variegata - spider mites

Rosemarinus officinalus - suicide

Ficus microcarpa "Green Island" - cat attack

RIP

Successful Assassinations of 2009 (so far):

Asplenium nidus "Osaka" - fungus gnats

Arachnoides simplicior - thirst

Chamaedorea elegans - cat attack

Neprolepsis exaltata "Suzi Wong" - root rot

Cupressus macrocarpa "Wilma" - shame

Congratulations to my Norfolk Island Pine, who is now the longest surviving member of the team! Keep up the good work, Araucaria heterophylla, and you just might be spared from next week's scheduled abusive overfertilizing!