In Memoriam II: Letters

Dear Chelianthes tomentosas;

Is it ironic that I thought, "If I use a different potting medium for each one, one should be guaranteed to live?" Or is it ironic that my boyfriend named you both after death metal bands, and now you're both dead?

Dear Colocasia "Black Magic;"

"Magic" my ass. Why don't you summon some magic and learn to water yourself? Avada Kedavra, bitch!

Dear Nematanthus gregarious;

Here's my impression of you. "Too hot," "Too dry," "Too dark," "Too bright," "I'm hungry," "I don't like this fertilizer," "I made a mess all over the floor." Here's my impression of me: "I am going to kill this fucking nematanthus right now."

Dear Asplenium nidus "Fimbriatum;"

I regret to inform you that your request for more time to deal with your scale problem has been denied.

Dear Arachniodes simplicior;

It's hard for me to say this... but it was me, not you. You were so beautiful, and I treated you badly. I'm sorry I never told you about the other East Indian holly ferns... I thought this time would be different. Rest in peace, and take comfort in the fact that even though I'm going to replace you with a younger, better specimen, you were really special.

-Nature Assassin

1 comment:

  1. This was absolutely hilarious! What a terrific sense of humour you have!