A Halloween Photo Essay

Part One: In Which Nature Assassin goes to some Interesting Parties.

Part Two: In Which I Stumble Home, Eat Candy, and Collect Seeds.

Happy Halloween Everybody!

Snack time

So, what's in the fridge?

Collected seeds* in the vegetable drawer... any vegetables whatsoever?

If you go hunting in the freezer, watch out for the container of flies. Sarracenias gotta eat too.

Parting Gift:  If you're still hungry, here's some tasty music.

*Holler if you're interested in trading. 

I've got mainly annuals and perennials, some houseplant varieties. 

The Heat is On!

Crap, crap!!!


You know, I never worry too much about my outdoor plants getting cold damage in the fall. I'm conscientious enough to start bringing them in early, one by one, and lackadaisical enough that if a couple get left outside too long, I don't stress out.  Today... tomorrow... I'll make it happen.

The outdoor crowd, back from a poolside-summer. The chlorotic Datura will be overwintered, dormant, in my basement. The others are in for a long haul.

But my great fear... my redoubtable fear... is heat. My apartment has radiators, which are controlled my my landlord. He is a kind and benevolent overlord not to freeze our asses out, and also the heat is free, so I really can't complain. BUT, here I go. When I first heard that bubbly hiss of the radiators kicking on this morning, I went directly into amber-alert.

CLEAR THE RADIATORS AND THE PERIMETER!
GET THE CALATHEAS TO SAFETY!
SECURE THE HUMIDIFIERS!
THE FERNS! SWEET ZOMBIE JESUS... WHERE ARE THE FERNS?!!

Just in time, my 30 gallon seedling incubator was re-appropriated to serve as a winter humidity chamber, so any fern or tender plant less than five inches wide and twenty inches high has a real shot at surviving this winter. The others had better evolve REAL fast.

Good luck, Maranta. You're gonna need it.

Meanwhile, I finally found a greenhouse that was willing to babysit my Philodendron ('Black Cardinal?') for the winter, or as they call it, the "semester." The price, while very reasonable, was still too steep for yours truly, and so the philodendron is staying home once again (Sorry, buddy, no semester abroad in a tropical spa for you).

photo credit to my Tweesy, taken with her i-phone. Holler from yer girl, Twees!

So folks in the Chicago area... get 'em inside. Get 'em quarantined and treated for pests.... then get ready for the humidity crisis. 

Parting Gift: Do you need some music to listen to while you're doing your indoor gardening? Treat yourself.

Congratulations, it's an Anarchist!

Well, I've added another minion to my crew. This fearsome beast is Remy LeBeau... six months, and five pounds, of pure destruction. Like any baby, he eats several times a day, wakes me up in the night crying, and constantly wants to be held. Unlike a baby, he is agile, lightning fast, and really sharp at the corners. He's a fanged, concealed-razor carrying ninja-baby, and my whole apartment is his dojo. The houseplants and stemware have sustained massive losses. Needless to say, I think it's cute.

You learn well, young grasshopper.

Felines, I have found, have a natural affinity to plant murder... or just murder in general, I guess. Also, being independent and low-maitenance means that they themselves are resistant to accidental assassination. You don't see any puppies or parakeets around here. Evil scientists don't have the necessary skills to keep most pets alive. Flying monkeys? Yes. Goldfish? No.

Meh, I guess I didn't need that Yucca anyway.

Speaking of lack of nurturance, my other henchman (henchwoman, actually) is less-than-thrilled with our new acquisition.

Now that she's laid the smackdown on him a few times, they're getting along really well. He understands... she's alpha minion, he's beta. She's Bellatrix Lestrange, he's... I don't know, Fenrir Greyback or somebody.

Anyway, look what he did to this Calliandra, and the Monstera beside it. I'll never put the vacuum away again. Not even in kindergarten, and he's already defoliating at a third-grade level! I'm so proud. 

Are You Guys Ready For Fall?

  

  I know I yam! Get it? Yams? Oh man, the seasonal hilarity!

It's time to bust out the traditional paraphernalia! Me, I decided to buy a houseplant that had some nice fall color: Codiaeum 'Picasso's Paintbrush,' aka Croton. Flaming orange, red, and yellow leaves... how could I resist? I don't have a picture, because it started to go downhill the minute I got out my credit card. Let me just tell you, I have never disliked a plant so venemously; finally I just stopped watering and let it die. And I enjoyed every minute of that. Of course, I wrote a letter...

Dear Codiaeum 'Picasso's Paintbrush;' 

You are a piece of crap, from the bottom up. From your inbred, genetically-inherited sissyness to your low-quality growers soil, you have been nothing but a disappointment. I'm glad you're dead. I'm going to hire a voodoo priest to raise you up, just so I can kill you again. Then, I hope Russell Edgington gets you, and then Voldemort, and then a Rancor, and then a Terminator. And I mean a T-1000, not some fluffy Arnold Terminator. Ugh, you disgust me!

You broke my heart. I curse each one of your offspring to live in a novelty pot covered with puppies and inspirational messages about grandchildren, with an aquaglobe on top. Here is your eulogy song. 

 Sincerely,  

Nature Assassin

Well rampant hostility aside, Happy Fall Everybody!! Coming soon... kitten pictures!

Party At?

I'll start posting again, right after I watch a few more episodes of Archer. Did I say episodes? I meant seasons. In the meantime, if you've been wondering where the party at, get a load of these upcoming Chicagoland houseplant events:

datura noid

September 11 + 12: Lakeshore African Violet Society Show and Sale. Chicago Botanic Garden, 10am to 4:30pm.

September 11 + 12: Gethsemane Garden Center Annual Sidewalk Sale - This is a great time to get pottery, out-of-flower orchids, and more on the cheap. Between you and me, they have tradescantia, ferns, cyperus, breynias, and many other indoor-friendly plants marked for sale as outdoor annuals. Time to stock up! 9-6pm.

September 18: Hawthorne Garden's Houseplant Seminar. Acclimatizing your pre-existing plants, and adding new ones. 10am.

October 3: Lurie Garden Workshop, "Garden Blogging: Porting Your Garden Journal to the Digital Age." Lecture by Mr. Brown Thumb, hosted in the 1st floor Garland Room, 10am to 12pm.

October 9 + 10: Illinois Orchid Society Show and Sale. Chicago Botanic Garden, time TBA

October 20: Sprout Home's Terrarium Building Class. Registration required (info@sprouthome.com), cost approximately $35-$75, depending on selected materials. 6pm.



Everyone's invited over to my place before these events for pregaming, BYOB

New Plant Roll Call

ABUTILON!

You sure do need a lot of water. And I'm not sure I like you as much as I like my two Abutilon thompsoniis, River and Simon. Nevertheless, your flowers are very cool. Carry on.

ALOE PLICATILIS!

Keep in mind that you are here as a long term investment. You want to grow slowly? Fine. Carry on.

ASPIDISTRA ELIATOR 'MILKY WAY'!

You have proven yourself to be of high aesthetic quality, while requiring minimum maintenance. Also, the new leaves are looking swell. Carry on.

DRYOPTERIS ERHYTHROSORA!

It has come to my attention that you are a fern. Also, you are not dead. To exist under this botanical dualism in my home is rare indeed... most impressive. As a caveat, I must warn you... I've had bad luck with indoor-outdoor ferns. If I find a single scale or mealybug on you, I'll make you wish you'd never been germinated. That is all, carry on.

PASSIFLORA!

I can't trust anything with such... racy looking flowers. I've got my eye on you. Just keep those tendrils to yourself!

PEPEROMIA CAPERATAS!

Never met a Peperomia I didn't like. At ease.

BEGONIA REX NOID!

Don't think that you get special treatment, just because you were a gift cutting. We don't take kindly to begonias around here. You better keep that growth habit bushy and compact or I will equalize you, for serious.

SENECIO MACROGLOSSUS VARIEGATUS!

You are climbing that hoop like a champ. Great job. Take five.

That's it, now everyone, BACK TO WORK!